Oh the Awkwardness

I was bored so I decided to look through a lot of my old posts on my first blog I ever had (I used xanga about 4 1/2 years ago). It is really creepy how much of an otaku I was . . . or in many ways still am.

Yet, I couldn't help but smile when I re-read my post about my experience with the perverted grasshoppers. (One of the first things I ever wrote..er typed). it brings back really funny memories and mental images.

~Part One: Night of the Perverted Grasshoppers~

We had yet another long football game to cheer at in the middle of nowhere (it seems like all the games we go to are like that.) Only this place was SO freaky. Its hard to describe to the lucky people who didn't have to go, but whatever. First of all, the town reminds me a lot of House Of Wax, if anyone has seen it. Also, every one looked like they wanted to beat the crap out of us(and I am not just talking about the football game). Plus the cops at the game were checking out our entire cheer squad. Perverted cops, what next?


We didn't know it but they actually had fireworks at the game. When the first one went up we thought someone was shooting at us and we were actually prepared to dive head first on to field. Well, it must have looked pretty funny because our coach, who grew up in a ghetto part of town, was tackling those who were still standing. (She is just a bit taller than me and the girls left standing were huge in comparison...it was amusing)


Once we were kinda used to the place we realized there were grasshoppers everywhere and they were HUGE. Don't get me wrong, I don't really mind them that much, as long a the big ones don't land on me (because their legs are spiky and kinda painful). As if that could be avoided. When they land on you, their spiky legs PINCH LIKE NONE OTHER! The first one landed right on my head, and even worse it got stuck in my hair. Trying to cheer with a 3 inch long grasshopper caught in my head, just great. Now I actually have small cuts on my head from it. Thanks for that, you worthless creature
....it got worse.


Another one went down my shirt and *ahem* down in there. I suppose there is a first time for everything, including perverted grasshoppers. They went up my skirt too. And well I would rather not elaborate TOO much on the discomfort of being molested by multiple grasshoppers during a game. That was even worse cause I couldn't get them out. It would have been very awkward in front of the fans too. At least the people in the bleachers got a kick out of me spazing out. Toward the end of the game, the grasshopers were actually surrounding one end of the cheer line as if they were about to harass us again (we only had 5 of us that night). Those stupid things had landed right next to me, Mariella, and Jess. We had also learned in the previous half of the game that they even charged at us when we kicked at them. So there we were trying to cheer and dodge huge grasshoppers at the same time. We looked really dumb and slightly pissed off. Miss Bond (our coach) didn't have it any easier 'cause she sat on a stink bug. But at least she didn't flail around like ALL of us. And some people wonder why cheerleaders all get those retarded stereotypes.


~Part Two: Failure to Launch ~
It happened while we were stunting. That time Katelyn and Jess were practicing. For future reference, Katelyn is taller than me by a small margin, but she is also um...at bit more bony so to speak.

The stunt is rather hard to explain but I will say this. It ended with Katelyn's bony butt crashing down on Jess's hand. So yeah, long story short, Jess's thumb got dislocated inside Katelyn's glutes. (It sounds much more perverted than it was) Once Jess dislodged her poor, dysfunctional thumb from Katelyn's butt; she was horrified to realize that her thumb truly was dislocated. And to Jess's terror our coach said that she would have to put in back in place. At that point, Jess did the only thing that seemed logical. Run. Run far away from the sadistic coach.

Now, Jess is a very athletic girl and she is on the taller side. While our coach . . . resembles me. Very short and tiny (though she is a bit taller than 5 ft ) Jess could easily outrun that whimp right? Well...Misss Bond (our coach) wouldn't give up THAT easily. Oh no. She heads straight toward her prey at full speed. Miss Bond began trucking it all the way across the football field, rapidly gaining on Jess. Then, it was time for the kill. Miss Bond leaped, flew through the air, tackled Jess, and forcefully put her thumb back into place.

It was hysterical to see such a tall, athletic girl be totally brought down by someone who looked sooo much smaller than her.

Well...I guess you would have to be there to think it was funny.