Oh the Awkwardness

I was bored so I decided to look through a lot of my old posts on my first blog I ever had (I used xanga about 4 1/2 years ago). It is really creepy how much of an otaku I was . . . or in many ways still am.

Yet, I couldn't help but smile when I re-read my post about my experience with the perverted grasshoppers. (One of the first things I ever wrote..er typed). it brings back really funny memories and mental images.

~Part One: Night of the Perverted Grasshoppers~

We had yet another long football game to cheer at in the middle of nowhere (it seems like all the games we go to are like that.) Only this place was SO freaky. Its hard to describe to the lucky people who didn't have to go, but whatever. First of all, the town reminds me a lot of House Of Wax, if anyone has seen it. Also, every one looked like they wanted to beat the crap out of us(and I am not just talking about the football game). Plus the cops at the game were checking out our entire cheer squad. Perverted cops, what next?


We didn't know it but they actually had fireworks at the game. When the first one went up we thought someone was shooting at us and we were actually prepared to dive head first on to field. Well, it must have looked pretty funny because our coach, who grew up in a ghetto part of town, was tackling those who were still standing. (She is just a bit taller than me and the girls left standing were huge in comparison...it was amusing)


Once we were kinda used to the place we realized there were grasshoppers everywhere and they were HUGE. Don't get me wrong, I don't really mind them that much, as long a the big ones don't land on me (because their legs are spiky and kinda painful). As if that could be avoided. When they land on you, their spiky legs PINCH LIKE NONE OTHER! The first one landed right on my head, and even worse it got stuck in my hair. Trying to cheer with a 3 inch long grasshopper caught in my head, just great. Now I actually have small cuts on my head from it. Thanks for that, you worthless creature
....it got worse.


Another one went down my shirt and *ahem* down in there. I suppose there is a first time for everything, including perverted grasshoppers. They went up my skirt too. And well I would rather not elaborate TOO much on the discomfort of being molested by multiple grasshoppers during a game. That was even worse cause I couldn't get them out. It would have been very awkward in front of the fans too. At least the people in the bleachers got a kick out of me spazing out. Toward the end of the game, the grasshopers were actually surrounding one end of the cheer line as if they were about to harass us again (we only had 5 of us that night). Those stupid things had landed right next to me, Mariella, and Jess. We had also learned in the previous half of the game that they even charged at us when we kicked at them. So there we were trying to cheer and dodge huge grasshoppers at the same time. We looked really dumb and slightly pissed off. Miss Bond (our coach) didn't have it any easier 'cause she sat on a stink bug. But at least she didn't flail around like ALL of us. And some people wonder why cheerleaders all get those retarded stereotypes.


~Part Two: Failure to Launch ~
It happened while we were stunting. That time Katelyn and Jess were practicing. For future reference, Katelyn is taller than me by a small margin, but she is also um...at bit more bony so to speak.

The stunt is rather hard to explain but I will say this. It ended with Katelyn's bony butt crashing down on Jess's hand. So yeah, long story short, Jess's thumb got dislocated inside Katelyn's glutes. (It sounds much more perverted than it was) Once Jess dislodged her poor, dysfunctional thumb from Katelyn's butt; she was horrified to realize that her thumb truly was dislocated. And to Jess's terror our coach said that she would have to put in back in place. At that point, Jess did the only thing that seemed logical. Run. Run far away from the sadistic coach.

Now, Jess is a very athletic girl and she is on the taller side. While our coach . . . resembles me. Very short and tiny (though she is a bit taller than 5 ft ) Jess could easily outrun that whimp right? Well...Misss Bond (our coach) wouldn't give up THAT easily. Oh no. She heads straight toward her prey at full speed. Miss Bond began trucking it all the way across the football field, rapidly gaining on Jess. Then, it was time for the kill. Miss Bond leaped, flew through the air, tackled Jess, and forcefully put her thumb back into place.

It was hysterical to see such a tall, athletic girl be totally brought down by someone who looked sooo much smaller than her.

Well...I guess you would have to be there to think it was funny.

Cute Picture of the Day

~Happy Valentines Day~

Jennifer's Survival Guide

I posted this a long time ago on Fcebook and my Xanga. But I felt like updating it . . . as it was ignored anyway.

Ok, so I got this idea from Heidi. What you have to do is type " needs" in Google and search. Then post the top results that complete the sentence.

I posted the results a long time ago, so it might be different now:

~Jennifer's Survival Guide~ 

(A.K.A How to Meet the Needs of a Jennifer in Your Life)

1. Jen needs . . . a muzzle.
~ Correction. I don't bite! Not hard at least.


2. Jen needs . . . a session or two with a therapist.


3. Jen needs . . . human anatomy lessons.

4. Jen needs . . . to get back to reality.


5. Jen needs . . .more tattoos.
~I scared to death of needles. If I survived, my mom would be even more frightening. I would probably die. Let's not have that happen so close to graduation.

6. Jen needs . . . to be a My Little Pony!
....Does this have anything to do with My Little Ponies having TATTOOS on their glutes? (see previous one)


7. Jen needs . . . to be in jail
~ The ones that snap and go off on a rampage are always the quiet ones.


8. Jen needs . . . both a warrior and a lover and that is his legacy


9. Jen needs . . . to be a parent and get off message boards.
~THIS Jen is not a parent. And this weblog is proof enough that I am not on message boards all that much.


10. Jen needs . . .to find a self righteous, conspicuous "I'm better than you" charitable position so she can keep charming the sheep into thinking she matters.
...Ouch!

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I thought these were weird enough. But then I tried my full name. I have concluded that people named Jennifer are the crazy ones. And thank you famous Jennifer's (Aniston, Lopez, Hudson), for making this so much more interesting.


Jennifer needs . . . to be in a mental health facility right now.


Jennifer needs . . . help
~ Perhaps this is why I am also required to be placed in a mental health facility...


Jennifer needs . . . to give birth in the next week.
. . . ?!

Jennifer needs . . .to play by the rules.


Jennifer needs . . .2 ½ cups of sugar to make cookies for 15 people.
~Or more . . . I would probably burn the first half.


Jennifer needs to accept that she’s gained what looks like some major pounds.
~Ha! Probably from all those cookies. That is A LOT of sugar.


Jennifer needs . . . this diva publicity like she needs a hole in the head
~I feel so loved by all my fans...


Jennifer needs . . . to go battle demons
~YES! NOW THAT IS EPIC. It reminds me of Inuyasha.


Jennifer needs . . . to leave some mystery in her life...Not let it read on the front pages every time she farts
~How deeply upsetting. I am disturbed and enraged.


Jennifer needs . . .to to build a bridge & get over her river of tears she has cried
~If I cried any such river of tears, it was over what is apparently "read on the front pages"


And the final one I found...(this one was quite long so I had to visit the page to get the whole thing.)
Drum roll please . . .


Jennifer needs . . . a vodka & cranberry, heavy on the vodka. And needs a long hot shower. and a pedicure. and a two-week vacation in Mexico. And might possibly need a puppy... a cute one with big paws. that doesn't get any bigger than, say, a 6-year-old child... and answers to the name former congressman bob dole. But most importantly? She needs somebody to do her grocery shopping so she won't be eating cheerios for breakfast, lunch, and dinner this weekend.

Thus is the Story of My Life

My friend sent this to me in an e-mail. Well, I suppose I have always been told that hair color effects you brain (yeah, I am blond by the way) The results I got were just plain SAD. See for yourself.

B. L. O. N. D. E?!?

1. [x] You have choked on your water before.

2. [x] You have tripped down the stairs before.

3. [ ] You didn't know how to read until 2nd grade.

4. [x] You have pushed a door the wrong way.

5. [x] You have walked into a wall.

6. [x] You have fallen going UP the stairs.

7. [x] You have jumped off something.

8. [x] You have been shocked. {electrocuted kind}

9. [x] You have put metal/aluminum in the microwave.

10.[x] Right after a commercial comes on you have forgotten the show you were watching.

11.[x] You have forgotten something that someone said.

12. [x] Your friends call you blonde a lot. <guilty, again, they say I am living proof that hair color effects your brain


13. [x] You barely ever understand stuff/jokes. < I get it eventually . . . sometimes a day later

14. [x] You have been bleeding and not even noticed it.

15. [x] You've worn something backwards/ in side out the whole day without knowing.

16. [x] You have stuck a fork in a toaster before.


17. [x] You have played with fire. < I set my science fair project on fire ON ACCIDENT and ironically it won first place : P



18. [x] You have burned something because you forgot about it. <pretty much what happened to the science



19. [x] You've stepped on a flat iron/ curling iron <mom shouldn't leave things like that in the middle of the floor! It really hurt



20. [x] You had to write this down or use a calculator or use your fiingrs to figure out your answer. <only to keep track of how many I marked



add up your points (each 1 pnt.) after you finish this multiply by 5


Yup, grand total...=... 95%